Shelby Kester is small and intimidating. However, rumor has it she eats nails for breakfast. She loves to laugh, but has no sense of humor. She likes to smile, but she's never happy. Shelby's pastimes are showering, pushing children down, and screaming in public. She doesn't like long walks on the beach, Glenn Beck, or optimists. Shelby feels as though she goes through life trapped in fabric shackles. Therefore she is an avid participator in a "clothing optional" lifestyle and has two pockets full of sunshine.