What can be said about Bobby Kaltenbach that hasn’t already been said? Moreover, how can one attempt to write about Bobby Kaltenbach while making only limited use of the biased adjectives “gorgeous,” “admirable,” and “obscenely brilliant”?

    Bobby Kaltenbach was born in a log cabin somewhere in the remote wilderness of central Siberia. From there, the facts become hazy as it is impossible to discern which are true and which merely legend. For example, some say Robert Kaltenbach sold his soul to the devil at a crossroads in rural Mississippi. What he received in exchange? The ability to write incredible newspaper stories.

    Recently, out of the kindness of his heart, he rejected offers to edit The New York Times and The Chicago Sun to write for Lone Oak High School’s student newspaper. The reason for this is a simple one. After discovering that Mitch Jacobs was also on staff as a sportswriter, Kaltenbach was overcome with the irrepressible desire to outshine him as a writer. Every. Single. Month.