Hipsters: The New Pandemic

 
 

Bobby Kaltenbach

News Editor


     In the 1960s, a new race of Americans emerged that threatened to tear apart the fabric of American life at its seams. Starting in California, the pandemic of hippiedom spread to the rest of the fifty states, and it seemed that everybody was lighting

up and listening to Country Joe and the Fish records. Soon, the hippie movement had grown so large that only Richard Nixon was enough of a buzz-kill to stop it. Now, over forty years later, we are facing a new pandemic: the pandemic of hipsterdom. And this time, we don’t have a Dick Nixon huge enough to keep it at bay.

     For those of you who have managed to avoid hipsters thus far, consider yourselves lucky. They are a foul race, whose pure vileness is matched only by the size of their checkered shirt collection and distaste for anything “mainstream.” You can usually find them at local coffee shops, typing very publicly on their MacBooks and speaking incessantly about how stupid the political system is. They enjoy bands like The Black Keys, Radiohead, and Grizzly Bear. Or, they used to like those bands, before they  “sold out.” Nothing angers a hipster more than a sell out.

   

“They are a foul race, whose pure vileness is matched only by the size of their checkered shirt collection and distaste for anything ‘mainstream.’”

Subways are often a natural habitat for hipsters, until everyone else shows up.

Photo Courtesy of Afuntoy.com

Every hipster reads Pitchfork media, watches foreign films, and considers himself or herself an “amateur photographer.” They invariably describe their religious views as agnostic, and disdain not religion as a whole, but rather organized religion. In other words, they believed in God before He sold out and started hanging out in churches and synagogues.

     They are a threat to everything that I, as a crew-cut football-loving American, stand for. With every pseudo- intellectual argument on Facebook, with every “Ron Paul 2012” posting on a YouTube video, with every Bon Iver album illegally downloaded on LimeWire, we grow as a nation a little further away from the stoic, macho-man image that has formed the basis of the United States as a world power for decades.

     What, then, is there for you to do to stop the Hipster onslaught? While it may be too late to save places like New York City, Chicago, and the entire state of California, there is still time to keep them from overtaking Paducah. If we can find a way to contain them, to keep them isolated from the rest of society, they could completely die out within a generation or two.

     In Paducah, it seems as though the closer you are to the Ohio River, the more dense the hipster population is. In the Lowertown district, for example, there exists a virtual hipster paradise. Within a few blocks of each other, you have Etcetera Coffee House, Maiden Alley Cinema, and countless art studios. If we want to curb the hipster population, all of these locales must be avoided at all costs so the hipster mentality does not seep into our mainstream culture.

     Books-A-Million, another favorite hipster hangout, must be seriously altered. Perhaps the Philosophy and Astrology sections of the store can be converted into Nascar and Country Living sections.

     Even in our own Lone Oak High School, there exists a definite hipster threat. Certain parts of the building are crawling with them, and it is wise to never venture through these classrooms and hallways alone. In recent weeks, the AP Literature classroom has become a hangout for hipsters. Because of this, every time I am compelled to enter this class, I cover my ears in order to completely eliminate the possibility of hearing any of Ms. Morris’s music blaring pompously from her computer speakers.

     If all of these measures are undertaken, the hipster population will be successfully managed. If not, our society could be overwhelmed by a barrage of ironic glasses, scruffy beards, and hybrid cars. It is a fate worse than death.