You see? Sometimes pants are necessary. Photo courtesy of wallsave.com; Photo edit courtesy of Matt Price

Connor English

Staff Writer

For as long as men have known of their nakedness, one fundamental question has plagued the minds of the male population. “Should I wear pants?” The answer to this question, if you didn’t already know, is always a very firm “No.” However, over my vast eighteen years of life, I have learned of multitude of places in which you should, in fact, not shun slacks. As uncomfortable as these chafing chinos are, to spare you the consequences that come from bypassing britches, I present to you: 

 

6 Places You Should Not Take Your Pants Off

 

Location #1: School

It’s a student’s senior year. He says to himself, “Self, I have been in this school system for much too long. Seeing how it is our final year in this system, I offer to you a suggestion.” Intrigued, Self questions further, “What did you have in mind?” Student answers, “Let’s streak.” So, the day arrives and our brave little soldier walks into the publicly funded hallways in his brown trench coat. In one fluid motion, he whisks it off and the coffee-colored heap of his former covering hits the floor and there he stands in all of his trouser-less glory. He is then tackled by the school resource officer and pressed to the cold, dirty floor.  After some discourteous comments, the officer escorts student to the office where he is told that he can’t walk at graduation. Snubbing slacks is fun. Graduating is more fun.

 

Location #2: Public Restrooms

Of course, you can definitely discard your dungarees in a restroom - when you’re in the stall. At this point, the ladies can move on to Location #3; the men, however, need to stay right here. I’m as much of a no-pants-supporter as you are, but when I walk into the bathroom and there is a man standing at the urinal doing what he does and his trousers are tickling the tile, my mind goes into a frenzy. Nothing you have ever experienced in your life has prepared you for this moment. You can’t use a urinal next to him.  After all, he’s naked. So, you just stand there trying to pretend there is something interesting to read on your phone until his business has concluded. Stop this madness and only expose what needs to be exposed in restrooms.

 

Location #3: The Polar Ice Caps

This is self explanatory, especially if you’ve seen Saw 3. The Polar Ice Caps are a cold, cold place. Not only will the cold bring you nearer to your doom, but it is also very emasculating. No man wants to be found dead naked in the cold. If you wish to be found dead while in the nude you want to be somewhere warm where your manliness will manifest itself magnificently. Furthermore, I think there might be wolves and polar bears at the Ice Caps. They get hungry too and your deficient of denim figure will certainly catch their eye. This is just basic survival, people. You might even want to wear 2 pairs of pants in this location; backup bermudas, if you will.

 

Location #4: The Octagon

Picture this: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson walks out of his locker room covered in a flowing black silk robe as very aggressive rap music plays and thousands upon thousands of fans chant and cheer, “Rampage!” You can see the fire in his eyes as he locks eyes with his opponent when he steps into the caged octagon. His trainer comes by and removes his robe and all the while, Rampage never breaks eye contact. The crowd goes silent as the camera zooms out and we see the Rampage is using a new sort of psychological technique to get into his opponent’s head to shake him up. He is sans shorts. I don’t truly even want to picture what the fight looked like.

 

Location #5: Rock Concerts

We’ve all know what it looks like. A group of four gentlemen in black shirts advertising some disgusting band name like “Protruding Hernia” wailing on their distorted instruments that once wooed women into falling helplessly in love with the player as they scream into microphones with deep, guttural voices. The crowd is into it and has been for the past hour as they do their best to figure out how to dance to this music.  They begin to push and shove their sweaty bodies against the other patrons at the event and create what is known as the mosh pit. Now, imagine an individual who passed on pantaloons in the mosh pit. Enough said.

 

Location #6: A Job Interview

For two days, you prepared a resumé of all the monumental accomplishments in your academic and volunteering life. You turned in this document with a nervous excitement hoping to get the job so that you can finally take that special someone out to a delicious and expensive dinner. You get a little giddy over the phone when your potential employer mentions that he would like for you to come in for an interview the following weekend. You arrive early and take a seat inside the interview room.  When Mr. Man walks into the room, you appropriately stand up to shake his hands. He gasps in shock at catching a glimpse of your special bits and they immediately tell you to leave the premises. Unfortunately, this puts you in an awkward position in which you can’t even earn the money to purchase pants.

“Let’s streak.”