Every girl loves a surprise bouquet after a trip to the bathroom.

Photo courtesy of Lesley Garrett

Connor English

Staff Writer

   In the words of the great and mighty Jay-Z, “I’ve got ninety-nine problems and a [female] ain’t one.” Is this also true of you? Do you have the same carefree attitude as Jay? Are you married to Beyoncé? If you answered “yes” to these questions, then congratulations. You may stop reading this article. If you answered “no,” then you certainly need to take a read of this.

    Happy belated Valentine’s Day. I’m sure it was terrible since you are single and couldn’t spend it with someone special. I bet that you spent your day moping around just wishing you didn’t have to buy yourself that entire box of chocolates, and that you didn’t eat the whole thing in one sitting. (That one was for the ladies.) Since you aren’t able to reverse time and make this year’s lovey-dovey day fantastic, I will give you some tips to keep your troubles with the opposite sex from affecting your prom.

Tip #1: Dress Provocatively

    Everyone knows that in high school, everyone is validated by the way he or she dresses. If you are a lady, then the less you wear, the better. This is the way real men want to see their women dress. It says, “I respect myself enough to let everyone know that I think I’m beautiful.” That is the confidence that guys look for. For my fellas, just try combing your hair. Seriously, comb your hair. Also, start flexing in public.

Tip #2: Flirt It Up

    Now that you have attracted the attention of a possible suitor, you need to keep your dreamy someone enthralled. Nothing keeps someone interested more than a cookie-cutter personality from the movies. Ladies, try giggling a whole lot. This lets the guy know that you are easily entertained and that he doesn’t have to try as hard to impress you. It allows him to relax. Guys, just try to look entertained when she talks. Nod your head frequently, and if you zone out, just say, “Tell me more.” She will definitely keep talking and will think that you genuinely care about her personality.

Tip #3: Ignore

    You did it. You entertained someone that you were interested in and now they are interested in you, too. Likely, you received a phone number. If you didn’t, then you could probably find them on Facebook or Twitter, and they are certain to gladly accept your friend request or your follow. Now here’s the kicker. Don’t contact them. Everyone knows that when there is mutual affection the worst thing you could do would be to communicate that outright. Just sit back and do nothing. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Tip #4: Fix things

    Something has gone wrong. You appear to have ruined your only chance at feeling adequate from the lack of communication. Little does your possible suitor know, that this is all a part of the plan. In every romantic comedy, what happens? They fight and then get back together. This is what you are going to do. Show up at [insert name here]‘s house. Knock on the door. When that special someone answers, clap your hands. The flash mob that you organized will then break out into an original music number that will cause hearts to melt. There’s something about surprising musical numbers that everyone loves. Simply end the flailing, dancing, and singing with a simple question: “Will you go to prom with me?”

    These tips are flawless and will work every time. You’re welcome.

“I’ve got ninety-nine problems and a [female] ain’t one.”