Bobby Kaltenbach
News Editor
We’ve all heard it. The story of a land in a state of overwhelming oppression, a place where citizens have all but lost hope, where there is no foreseeable future other than one of hardship and despair. We know, also, that it is at the precise moment when things are at their most grim that the select few, the brave and tattered band of heroes, having suffered unimaginable abuse but defiant in their resolve, rise up and free their countrymen from the throes of tyranny. It is a tale as old as recorded history, with a basic structure that underlies many ancient mythologies, Medieval epics, novels and cinema.
It is a rare occasion, indeed, for this story to play out in reality. I can think of only a few occasions. Moses leading the Jews out of Egypt, Michelangelo and Da Vinci re-enlightening the world during the Renaissance, Churchill and Roosevelt guiding a frightened populace through the horrors of World War II. But now, in the midst of a great recession, as international relations intensify and things seem more uncertain than ever before, we have a new group of warriors to embolden us as we face the struggles of modern times. They are the players of the human drama we refer to as Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and it is upon them we must rely in order to liberate ourselves as a nation during these turbulent months. In much the same way that the Lighthouse of Alexandria illuminated the waters of Ancient Egypt during antiquity, the Kardashians provide a beam of hope to penetrate our reality of darkness.
What is it that Keeping Up With the Kardashians gives us that is so poignant? In a word, comfort. We need the reassurance that is provided by the Kardashian family just as much as Americans during the Great Depression needed Roosevelt’s Fireside Chats. We take comfort that, in an age of economic and moral chaos, at least the Kardashian family is able to reaffirm the values that we as Americans hold dear.
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend spread among many members of the population recently. Words that once had no meaning to Americans, like “thrifty”, “frugal”, and “moderation”, are suddenly being exalted as ways to live. Make no mistake, these are not virtues, but despicable vices.
When the Founding Fathers framed the constitution during the blazing hot summer of 1787, it was not their intention for the citizens of the bourgeoning nation to “live within their means.” Instead, they wished for people to spend endless amounts of money at superstores, like “Toys ‘R’ Us” or “Bed, Bath, and Beyond”, leaving responsible budgeting to the Europeans. But now, simply because of a global recession, we are abandoning the principles that we once held sacred. Fewer and fewer people are demonstrating their patriotism by buying things they don’t really need at “Bass Pro Shops”.
Luckily, we have the Kardashians to fight this dangerous trend. Kim, the fearless leader of the clan, has particularly embodied the Renaissance ideal, her artistic endeavors ranging from recording a music c.d. to starring in an amateur video. She is the most unrestrained of the bunch, admirably spending extravagant amounts of money while doing little to no actual work. I know that I am not alone in saying that when Kim spent $10 million on her wedding, only to divorce her husband 72 days later, I felt truly proud to be an American. She is an inspiration, and a perfect role-model for any young girl.
Now, after all of the praise that I just bestowed on the Kardashian family, I feel that I need to make something clear. The Kardashians are probably not angels sent by God to correct the decay of morality in the United States. In all likelihood, they are ordinary humans, not at all dissimilar to you and me. Yet they have been endowed with an indomitable courage and a righteousness that is all but missing among members of the modern world. We must place our complete and undying trust in them. Heroes are scarce in the current age, and the Kardashians are our best chance of overcoming adversity and escaping from the untold darkness.
