A dramatization of what you never have to do.

Photo courtesy of Lesley Garrett

Connor English

Staff Writer

   It’s the new year and we all know what that means! The ACT is coming to a city near you! Juniors all around the country have begun studying furiously with their tiny, hopeful hearts chock full of dreams and aspirations. I, Lord of the ACT, am here to tell you one thing to remember: The ACT doesn’t matter.

    You can score a whopping 36 on your test and go to MIT, but then what? Are you going to study stupid, boring spaceships until you can’t stand to see a shuttle launch? That sounds like quite the thrilling life. NOT. Happiness is finding a deep love in what you do (unless, of course, what you love to do is extremely illegal e.g. mass murder). As long as you’re ignorantly happy there, then you’ll never regret slacking off like I know you want to during these next few months.

    I know a guy who barely broke double digits on his ACT and he graduated high school two years ago with a full career waiting for him with arms wide open. Where do you ask? At the one and only McDonald’s, the shining pearl in the muck of the fast food world. For the past couple of years when I would take a little McTrip down America’s favorite cholesterol vendor, I’d give a friendly head nod to my backline guy. He was an all-star - flipping burgers beautifully, making milkshakes majestically, and taking out the garbage like a professional. You should’ve seen that wide smile resting on his face. Complete bliss. Just a couple weeks ago, I drove past Jimmy John’s, which, if you plan to stalk me, is near my house. I turned my head casually and took a little look-see in the window and who do I spy? My McDonald’s buddy. He was moving up in this bright and beautiful world of ours. He went from fast food to freaky fast food. All with a terrible ACT score.

    Just remember, when all of your friends are saying, “Hey [insert reader’s name here], let’s go and study.” You can look at them and say, “No thanks. I don’t need a high ACT score to be happy.” Stay strong and find your happiness, my dear reader.  Also, I hear there’s an opening at Mickey D’s.

The ACT doesn't matter.