The chillest bro of all time spots a pack of foxy females.

High school football ended and I, Connor English, had no need to continue lifting with the team. I had to find a new home. This is my new home and this is my cleverly titled column. Each edition we will delve into matters that concern us all.

Today's Article: How To Get A Date For Basketball Homecoming

    Step 1 - Let's face it, you aren't exactly the most attractive human specimen to ever walk this lovely green planet. So here is what you need to do. Take all that money that you've been saving up in that embarrassing, pink piggy-bank and head out to the nearest plastic surgeon so that he can nip and tuck all of your unflattering features. The sooner the better as those procedures take time to heal.  After the stitches are removed and the bruises fade, you are looking right and tight.

   Step 2 - You have absolutely zero game. Solution: Get game. Having game is a very abstract concept. One does not simply walk into Mordor or have game. It takes years of mastery and careful practice and maybe even a few failures here and there. However, we do not have that long. Instead continue on to Step 3.

    Step 3 - Lower your standards. I can understand that for months you have been staring at your dream date thinking, “My oh my, if only he/she liked me.” The problem is that he/she doesn't, and it is likely that you will never convince him/her otherwise. This is why you lower your standards. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Some of these fish, unfortunately, have the looks and the personality that you do. While you should've already taken care of your attractiveness level in Step 1, people are unfortunately still aware of your personality, an issue that we skipped in Step 2.

   Step 4 - So how do you actually pose the question? If you do this step right, you can't fail. You could be drop-dead ugly and a complete jerk, but if you surprise your potential date at his/her home just after dinner and ask as fireworks explode and a church choir sings, he/she can't say no. Bigger is better, so go all out. On the other hand, you could always just ask the classic question, “Will you go to homecoming with me?” Those lines have been used by the best of the best in acquiring homecoming dates and will likely not fail you. Just go for it.